Microbe Dessert War
There are millions of tiny bacteria who fight it out between themselves every second of every day to determine what we eat. They also have a two-way communication system between their home in our guts and the hypothalamus. In the brain, the hypothalamus makes the big decisions about what to eat and what to store in fat or expend in energy. It also talks to the other sectors of the brain. What if, for any food decision we make, there is a conversation between other parts of the brain, lobby coalitions of bacteria, and the hypothalamus. Here are the players in a typical conversation at a restaurant.
Sugar coalition (SC) – Huge coalition of microbes that eats sugar and has been winning recently
Vegetable coalition (VC) - Small, but dedicated coalition of microbes that eats nutrients from vegetables
Microbes -Both SC and VC
Hypothalamus (Hypo) – the almond-sized regulator that tries to keep the body in a stable state (homeostasis)
Brain – the part of the brain other than the hypothalamus
Brain (to Hypo): While we’re waiting for the waitress, have you heard about the Food Compass? I thought it was pretty good.
Hypo to Brain: What did it do?
Brain to Hypo: It tried to assign weights to foods in different categories as to their relative healthiness. It’s kind of like USDA’s old Food Guide Pyramid and MyPlate but it’s more detailed.
Hypo to Microbes: Did you hear about this guys, we’re supposed to be listening to yet another food ranking. Brain tells me it gave low weights to ultra processed foods like french fries, doughnuts and hot dogs but somehow, Frosted Mini Wheats came out in the top spot.
SC: Well, at least they got sugared cereal right. It doesn’t matter what they do. No one’s going to pay any more attention to the Compass than they do the USDA tools or food labeling. We’re too powerful.
VC: I think Hypo should listen to us and the Brain more. SC is going to kill us.
Hypo: Since I was young, I’ve tended to side more with SC. I think it was inherited. Although Brain has been telling me a lot about nutrition, I listen more to you microbes than I do Brain.
VC: What else does Brain say?
Hypo: First, many nutrition studies are probably flawed. Take one of the latest studies on ultra-processed foods. In one study, people who ate the most ultra-processed foods had a 28% faster rate of cognitive decline compared with people who ate better foods.
VC: That’s great, it should be an argument for us.
Hypo: It would have been except some people read the paper carefully where it said, “higher consumption of ultra-processed foods was associated with…” That means that the rate of cognitive decline isn’t necessarily due to ultra processed foods – it could be caused by anything, like lack of exercise.
SC to VC: What are you losers talking about now? Ha! Ha! Ha!
Hypo: We’re talking about the flaws in these food ranking systems. These systems are part of the external lobbyists that Brain listens to.
SC: External lobbyists, who are they?
Hypo: They’re every crazy diet book, video and celebrity hawking different diets as well as government agencies and advertisers. In one sense, they compete with you microbes.
SC: Since we’re now a much bigger group than the VC, I’m betting that the confusion amongst the external lobbyists is helping us.
Hypo: No doubt. Hold it. Brain is telling me that the waitress is coming back with the dessert menu.
VC: No, tell Brain you don’t need any. Our guy had a cheeseburger with Ketchup and fries with Ketchup, that’s enough sugar for this meal.
SC: No way it’s enough. He’s only eating the average amount - 60 pounds per year. In 2012 people were eating over 100 pounds of sugar per year.
VC: It doesn’t matter, this guy is getting fatter and he’s almost a diabetic.
SC: You guys shut up. Votes have consequences and we have more of them. That’s why Hypo listens to us.
VC: You idiots are going to kill him, and we’ll die with him.
SC: (starts singing an old Doris Day song): Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see… (they all start laughing).
Hypo: Brain’s reading. The choices are apple pie with vanilla ice cream, chocolate mousse, Tiramisu and, wait, mmmmm - Key Lime Pie!
VC: KEY LIME PIE! KEY LIME PIE! KEY LIME PIE!
VC: No, please, stop this.
Hypo to Brain: We’ll have the Key Lime Pie.
VC (crying): No one listens to us, the SCs are multiplying and we’re dying.
SC: How about we eat some more pie when we go home?