Eating Wild Horses
It’s been 78 years since the farm animals’ revolution, documented by George Orwell, that took place on Manor Farm, which was renamed Animal Farm. Because of mistreatment, they rebelled, took over the farm, and tossed out the people. After finally figuring out that their revolution led to an even worse state, they relented and things were restored to the previous order. Nevertheless, they continue griping.
Horse: How do humans decide what’s food. I mean, have you seen this recipe, Umido di cavallo con cipolline (Wet horse with spring onions)? It’s about eating horse flesh. Listen to what Gordon Ramsey says, “Slim, rich in iron (more than twice as much as beef), tasty and sweet. Horse meat is an ingredient that should not be underestimated, especially if you are looking for new flavors. And since it is present in the diet of sportsmen and growing boys, we can consider it in all respects a noble and precious food for our health.” A Time Magazine contributor, Joel Stein wrote, it turned out to be pretty awesome—a sweet, rich, superlean, oddly soft meat, closer to beef than venison.”
Cow: What’s your beef?
Horse: Wyoming claims that the wild horses and burros are overgrazing and damaging river beds, despoiling the environment so they’re trying to get Congressto let people start eating them. Up until now, they have been free, protected from “harassment or death” because they are ‘living symbols of the historic and pioneer spirt of the West.”
Pig: Humans claiming wild horses are ruining the environment, do these people understand irony?
Cow: Of course not, have you ever listened to political speech in DC?
Horse: I still don’t get how they decide what’s “food.”
Cow: I think it’s arbitrary. We used to run wild and free but now they eat us. We give them milk for free but that doesn’t stop them from eating hamburgers. Man, I’d love to run wild and free, like we used to do in stampedes – wild, free and in any stupid direction the mob took us.
Pig: You mean like social media.
Cow: They’re also talking about eating more buffalo, but they still run wild and free in the West. Maybe we can team up with them and do a cow/buffalo stampede?
Chicken: I don’t know about stampeding but why do they eat us? We’re the closest living relative to Tyrannosaurus Rex. They’re even talking about reverse engineering us some day to make a T. Rex. I hope they do, then they’ll be the ones getting eaten.
Horse: They already eat each other. In Papua New Guinea, the Korowai tribe eat people suspected of witchcraft. Besides, they eat you because fried chicken tastes great.
Chicken: Not as good as bacon.
Pig: Yeah, but the International Agency for Research on Cancer said bacon’s a carcinogen.
Chicken: C’mon, IARC also said working late is a carcinogen.
Pig: Humans will eat anything. They eat rats in Vietnam and Cambodia. In Yulin, China there’s a dog meat festival every year where dogs and cats are sold for food. Heck, 80% of the world’s population in Asia, Africa and South and Central America eat bugs.
Horse: If they start eating wild horses, they’ll be coming for the domestic ones next. What can I do?
Cow: We can’t revolt, we tried that once and it made everything worse. Glares at Pig.
Pig: Look, maybe they need better technology so they’ll leave us alone.
Cow: They’re working on it. They call it cultured meat, cell-based meat, fake meat, whatever. I don’t think they know how to make it cheap enough yet. Heck, we’ve all been selectively bred for a few centuries, aren’t we fake?
Pig: I don’t think any of this matters, if you can call a marshmallow food, then we’re food and that’s the end of it.